URSA'S DIARY: I allow myself to be who I am, in all my pain and all my greatness!
Hello my dears! It's been a while since I published my last article that talked about FASHION REVOLUTION in Maribor. Today, however, I would like to share with you my thoughts, feelings, insights and events that have taken place in my life over the last six months. I have to admit that my life has turned upside down during this time and the transition to the new year 2020 has also been very tumultuous and intense. I’m still under the influence of these changes, but I must say that the situation is slowly calming down. I’m comming back to harmony and back to my rhythm, despite all the other events that are just taking place in connection with the coronavirus pandemic.
Because of all that was happening around me and the emotional drama I was experiencing, I felt completely out of inspiration and motivation to create a blog. After the turbulent events and with the current situation we are experiencing regarding the pandemic, I have reconciled and connected with myself again, so that I can recreate and express myself easily and freely. With the series of articles “URSA’S DIARY”, I would like to present to my audience an insight into my personal life on the blog, and they will also serve me as an aid for self-reflection.
First, I had a lot of doubts about whether or not to start writing about my personal life at all, so I asked friends who stood by me in difficult moments for an opinion. They told me that they fully agree with this decision and thus further encouraged me to write this article. Deep down, I had the urge to express those thoughts and feelings, to open myself up and let go of what I don’t need. Therefore, I allow myself to be who I really am, to accept the pain and to experience it in all its greatness.
STORY
At the beginning of last year, I had a period of great confusion and didn’t know where and how to proceed in my life, and besides everything, serious problems with boyfriend began to arise. I was also approaching to those horrible 30’s, when, as expected by today's society, at those years you already have to know what you would like to do in your life and had some foundations for comming future, so the pressure was even bigger.
My boyfriend and I spent a wonderful, crazy, but also emotionally intense four years, and it was time to move things forward. We were both very confused about what we want in the future and had different views of the world, of our relationship and of life in general. After a quick consideration, I decided that I would rather stay away from him for a while, try to connect with myself, and find out what I really want to do in my life.
Through the European Solidarity Corps program, I signed up for the volunteering project "Volontari in Camino", which in English translation could mean "Volunteers on the way". From June to August, I spent some beautiful as well as difficult moments in Italy, in a small town called Avezzano, and participated with Ambecò organization that organized the project.
The volunteering project took place in one of the greenest regions in Italy, the Abruzzo region, which is surrounded by beautiful mountains, numerous parks and nature reserves, and is interesting both in environmental and cultural terms. The project carried out various events, activities and workshops related to sustainable tourism and responsible nature management. During the "ferries" or. summer holidays, of course, boyfriend came to greet me and we spent holidays together, exploring central Italy. In September I then returned to Slovenia to finish my degree and since then things have turned upside down.
ACCEPTING THE PAIN
After that initial falling in love feeling a year or two passed, I began to experienced in relationship with my partner subconscious patterns that I observed and picked up from my parents in early childhood. All of a sudden, I unconsciously found myself in a relationship in which I was not happy at all, everything burdened me and I blamed boyfriend for everything. It happened to me exactly what I least wanted and what I had always said - that I would never be like my mom or my dad. But I have become!
The easiest thing, of course, is to blame others for your frustrations. As children, we have learned by observing our surroundings and other people that it is easier to blame others for our actions and point our finger at their mistakes. Very few people are actually ready to start correcting their mistakes and too often we turn our fingers to others and blame them for all that we have experienced and interpreted as bad for us. Of course I also did this! This path was the easiest, and I have gone through this path many times before, so I was already a master in this.
When I returned from Italy in September to finish my degree, things started to get complicated and the situation became unbearable, so I decided to go home to my parents house in Primorska region in Slovenia for a while. I spent October and November at home so that I recovered from all that emotional drama. I landed completely at the bottom, there was nothing to grip on, nothing was solid, and I felt like I was living my life in a fog, and I was all the time wandering in the expectations and hidden desires for a better life.
After we split up, boyfriend quite quickly decided to start a relationship with another girl, so this hurted me even more, and I began to experience feelings of insecurity, and my self-confidence fell somewhere deep into the abyss. Over the next few months, I began to realize how much I had forgotten to take care of my body, my soul and my mind during that time. In those worst moments, I was completely away from myself, bad thoughts constantly swirled around in my mind, and my body began to show signs of severe stress.
SEEING GREATNESS IN LIFE
The pain and the suffering we experience in our lives is sometimes just not as negative and dark as we initially see it. I basically learned a lot of good from this experience. First, of course, I had to admit my mistakes and take responsibility for all the negative actions and bad things that I created in our relationship. Then I had to deal with the oppressed emotions and let myself feel all that lingered feelings inside me. A whole bunch of different emotions and feelings came out; from crying, anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety, depression as well as laughter and tears of happiness. From here on, the whole situation took on a completely different meaning.
I learned the importance of being honest with myself, admitting my mistakes, forgiving myself, and still enjoying me and accepting myself for who I am. We are learning from mistakes! I learned how to take time for me and appreciate myself even more, and that is good to process all those hard, repressed emotions that have accumulated in me for all this years. And I learned that I always have a choice from which side I will look at my life. I have seen how life has given me a second chance to reinvent my life, but this time I really want to lay a solid foundation and good qualities.
In such difficult moments, it is also very important to give attention to our inner feelings, to release the pain and to patch up the wounds with a love that can be expressed in different ways. I’m slowly coming back to myself, to a more peacefull state of mind. Of course, it took me quite a while to start looking at the whole situation more positively, and it helped me a lot to reconnect with myself. I regularly practice yoga and meditate, eat healthier foods, take care of my inner peace, and listen to what my inner feelings tell me.
When I feel that I need peace and time just for me, I move away and connect with myself, I go out in nature, walk to mountains, create, dance or write a diary. This allows me to monitor my cleansing process and my current emotional state, as well as to let go of thoughts that sometimes float around my mind and create stupid situations, fears and doubts. And even now, when I’m writing this article, I shed quite a few tears remembering all those moments and times I experienced with my ex-boyfriend. I released the pain in the form of words, and felt great relief while writing this article.
I’M OPEN TO ALL GOOD
In my current experiencing of the world, I often notice how much we have started to press ourselves with the idea of a perfect life. On social networks, most people only represent the good side of themselves, only few really tell or express what they are having trouble with. This is why I wanted to show with this article how sometimes life can be uncomfortable and it is important to tell what is really happening to us. Because such difficult situations make a person even bigger and stronger, and then we show who we really are and what lies deep within us.
I’m currently quarantining and enjoing wonderful warm spring days in Primorska region, in Šempeter with my parents. Nature and walks add a lot to making me feel great and to look at the whole thing from the positive side. When one door closed, the other door opened. Nature here inspires me with new ideas and we are preparing FASHION REVOLUTION Maribor ON-LINE next week! Stay tuned and follow us, there will be lots of interesting and informative issues related to sustainable fashion and similar ideas
In remembrance of everything beautiful and as a reminder of all the bad things that happened within previous relationship with ex-boyfriend, I’m forgiving him for all the unpleasant things and wish him all the best and all good. I open myself to life and all the good things that are comming and looking at this whole situation from a positive perspective, as a lesson, as a learning for a better and better quality of life, and I am grateful for all that happened! 💗